Chuck Norris invented birthdays. The day he was born, there was a huge cosmic shift in the universe that repeats every year on this day, hence paving the way for an annual celebration. He traveled back in time to the night of Jesus’ birth. He shot a flare gun into the sky to guide the three wisemen to the manger, thereby creating the Star of Bethlehem and Christianity. Chuck Norris wanted to ride first class on the Titanic, but all the tickets had been sold. He was so angry, he swam after it across the ocean and pushed an iceberg into its path. Back in the days of Christopher Columbus, the world actually was flat. Chuck Norris was just not finished inflating it yet. Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris, who turns 71 Earth years today.