Sunday Short Reviews

Every Sunday, Gill delves into his archive of over 800 movie reviews and randomly selects three for your enjoyment! Here are this week’s…

Everything you have heard about the notorious cinematic turd known as Gigli is true. The film is terrible in almost every way. The acting is terrible, and somehow, even though they were a famous Hollywood couple at the time, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck don’t have any chemistry! The writing is atrocious, as characters deliver lengthy monologues about their genitals, among other things, and constantly mock the mentally challenged. In one scene, Jennifer Lopez’s suicidal girlfriend turns up at Ben Affleck’s apartment and slits her wrists, but it’s played like it’s supposed to be funny. The score is tonally confused, and you’d think this was trying to be a heartfelt, inspiring film if you ignored the dialogue. This movie basically offended me in every way except the lighting and cinematography – neither of which were bad, but both were completely unremarkable. In short, I hated this movie.
0.5 out of 5

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?
Here’s a film that’s so incompetently made that it’s basically unwatchable. The image quality stinks, the sound is so bad that you can’t understand what the characters are saying, and there’s no plot to speak of. It’s boring, and the movie will occasionally stop completely to break into a D-grade musical number. The only reason anyone has heard of this movie is its ridiculously long title and the fact that it was once featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
0 out of 5

Titanic – The Animated Musical
A confused mess of stolen plotlines and characters from other, better properties. The idea of a musical animated movie about the Titanic tragedy is puzzling to begin with, but when you add Cruella De Vil, Sherlock Holmes, Speedy Gonzales, and the cast of Charlotte’s Web to the mix, things quickly become completely incomprehensible. The ship’s sinking is trivialized, not a single character dies, and the movie actually ends with everyone living HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Oh yeah, and, for some reason, there’s a rapping dog in a basketball jersey. This movie makes no sense, but is so bad, that it could actually be fun to watch with some friends and a few beers.
1 out of 5

See you next Sunday for three more thrilling short reviews!

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