When I did my “Weird Christmas Movies” spotlight on Santa’s Slay, remember how I wrote that I can never resist the urge to watch a terrible movie starring a pro wrestler? Well, let’s just say that I’ve sat through way too many movies in Hulk Hogan’s filmography. However, nothing could possibly top the stupidity of the Hulkster’s infamous Christmas offering, Santa With Muscles. How’s this for an idiotic storyline? Hogan plays an asshole millionaire who gets involved in a police chase, so he tries to escape by ducking into a mall and disguising himself in a Santa suit. Unfortunately, he winds up receiving a bump on the head that gives him amnesia and since he is wearing a Santa suit at the time, he winds up being convinced that he is actually Santa Claus! He soon winds up at a local orphanage, and as luck would have it, I can do a mini-version of “Before They Were Stars” on one of the kids. Do you recognize this girl?
Yep, that’s 12-year old Mila Kunis as one of the orphans (the orphanage in this movie seems to have a grand total of three of them). In an ironic twist, Don Stark, who would go on to co-star with her on That 70s Show, is also in this film, playing the role of Hulk Hogan’s elf. And I’m not even going to get into the subplot involving Ed Begley, Jr. as a mad scientist who wants to blow up the orphanage because there’s a vault of magical crystals buried underneath it! The cast includes such other luminaries as Clint Howard, Garrett Morris and former WWF wrestler Brutus Beefcake, who plays an Oriental (?!) mad scientist! Not surprisingly, Santa With Muscles has managed to remain on the IMDb’s Bottom 100 list ever since its inception and is currently ranked even lower than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Now THAT takes talent!