Chuck Norris really needs no introduction. There are only four things I need to say before I reveal “Robin’s Top Ten Favourite Chuck Norris Moments”:
1. I just cannot believe that Chuck Norris is 71 friggin’ years old today!
2. The following column represents my personal opinion about Chuck Norris’ greatest moments, so as the preceding image would indicate, I had to take a tremendous beating before I wrote this.
3. For an in-depth analysis of my favourite Chuck Norris film, here’s a cheap plug for my “Robin’s Underrated Gems” column on The Delta Force.
4. To properly prepare you for the awesomeness of Chuck Norris, you should probably listen to the theme music from The Delta Force before you proceed. Waving an American flag around at the same time is also recommended.
10. Chuck Norris Protects The Undertaker – WWF Survivor Series 1994
The Undertaker is not a wrestler who needs other people to watch his back, but if he had to ask anyone for help, the only person worthy enough to lend his services would be Chuck Norris. This casket match between The Undertaker and Yokozuna was a much-anticipated rematch of their encounter from the 1994 Royal Rumble, where Undertaker was defeated after interference from no less than ten guys (for a more detailed account of this epic match, check out my “20th Anniversary Tribute to The Undertaker”). A special guest enforcer was required in order to ensure there would be no outside interference this time around, so Chuck Norris was called in to fill the role. Surely enough, when a bunch of dastardly heels tried to interfere, Chuck made them pay dearly! You’d think they wouldn’t have been stupid enough to even come down to ringside after watching this:
9. Chuck Norris Saves the Day with His Thumb – Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oPnAxs2xQU
Chuck Norris is so powerful that he can control the entire balance of the universe with his thumb. The climactic $50,000 final game at the International Dodgeball Competition between the heroes from Average Joe’s and the evil villians from Globo-Gym almost didn’t take place because Average Joe’s was about to lose via forfeit. However, a loophole was discovered in the rules which stated that a forfeiture could be overturned by the tournament’s judges. The first two judges split the decision, so it was up to special guest celebrity judge Chuck Norris to provide the tie-breaking vote. Thankfully, Chuck gave his personal “thumbs up” and all was right in the world. After winning the championship, a percentage of Average Joe’s winnings went to Chuck Norris’ thumb.
8. Chuck Norris Uses a Jetpack – Walker, Texas Ranger:
I have to confess that I’ve never watched a single episode of Walker, Texas Ranger and, as a result, Chuck Norris forced me to wash his pick-up truck and polish his cowboy boots every day for a month before he deemed me worthy enough to write this list. However, I had to put at least one moment from Walker on this list and since the show was a goldmine for pure camp and unintentional humour, there was a plethora of great Youtube clips to choose from. It was a heated competition, but in the end, nothing could top the scene where Chuck Norris uses a jetpack to fly to the top of a tall building. It’s a little known fact that jetpack training is mandatory for anyone who wants to become a Texas Ranger. Anyway, the visual is hilarious enough, but what really makes this moment for me is seeing a very visible LADDER in the background when Chuck lands touches down on the roof!
7. Chuck Norris Teams with Prowler the Police Robot – Code of Silence:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JykHbeq5xHQ
From a pure quality standpoint, Code of Silence is probably Chuck Norris’ best movie. Seriously, even Siskel & Ebert gave the film “two thumbs up” (though combined, their “two thumbs up” still can’t compete with the awesome power of Chuck’s one “thumbs up” in Dodgeball). However, it still contains one of the silliest, yet most hilariously awesome scenes ever seen in a Chuck Norris flick. Early on in the picture, Chuck witnesses a demonstration for a police robot named “Prowler”, who’s hyped as being “the future of law enforcement”. Of course, that prediction would be 100 % prophetic, since Prowler robots can be seen patrolling the streets everywhere 26 years later. Anyway, it’s not often that Chuck Norris needs assistance and only the very best earn the honour of going into battle alongside him. But apparently, Chuck felt that Prowler was worthy of that honour and in this climactic scene, the two of them team up to wipe a warehouse full of mobsters. Not surprisingly, Chuck winds up having more stamina than the robot and has to finish things off on his own.
6. Chuck Norris Does a Flying Karate Kick Through a Windshield – Good Guys Wear Black/Walker, Texas Ranger (3-way tie):
Awhile back, I posted a clip of Pat Morita defying the laws of physics by delivering a flying karate kick through a car windshield in order to wipe out a bad guy. I thought it was one of the most hilarious things I’d ever seen, but I’m afraid even Mr. Miyagi has to bow down to the awesomeness of Chuck Norris since he’s managed to do it THREE TIMES! And two of these incidents were nearly twenty years apart to boot! A much younger, blonder Chuck completed this trick the first time around in one of his earlier films, Good Guys Wear Black. However, age did not slow him down since a fifty-something Chuck successfully pulled off the same stunt again during multiple episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. By the way, even though the movie is titled Good Guys Wear Black, you’ll notice that Chuck Norris is wearing a shade of brown in this scene! Flagrant false advertising!
5. Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee – Way of the Dragon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYHZEu7Y7DU
As hard as it may be to fathom now, the human race actually survived for 1972 years before most people knew who Chuck Norris was. However, that all changed after he had a classic fight scene with the one and only Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris made his mark by winning championships in karate tournaments and running a successful chain of karate schools throughout the sixties and early seventies, but it wasn’t until he met Bruce Lee that he finally got his big break in the movie business. Norris was cast as the villain in Lee’s film, Way of the Dragon, and the two of them would engage in a very memorable climactic martial arts battle at the Roman Colosseum. It’s pretty surreal seeing a clean shaven Chuck Norris here, but man, the term “clean shaven” certainly doesn’t apply to his chest and his shoulders! And, yes, this marks the ONLY time that Chuck Norris has ever been killed in a movie, so bad guys of the world should relish this scene since Chuck Norris never makes the same mistake twice.
4. Chuck Norris Plays “Catch the Drug Kingpin” While Skydiving – Delta Force 2:
In this inferior, but still fairly entertaining sequel to The Delta Force, Chuck and his buddy decide to kidnap evil drug lord Ramon Cota (played by Billy Drago since there’s an official law in place that every other B-movie has to feature Billy Drago) from a commercial airliner and parachute out of it while it’s flying over U.S. airspace. Ramon refuses to cooperate and put his parachute on, so Chuck dreams up the perfectly logical solution of pushing Ramon out of the plane without one. Chuck then parachutes his way down to catch Ramon before he plummets to his death. All kidding aside, this is a pretty damn cool action scene with some amazing aerial photography and skydiving stunts. It would probably be done entirely with CGI and blue screens if it were filmed today and wouldn’t look nearly as cool. Thankfully, Ramon does live long enough to eventually hear Chuck Norris tell him: “You ain’t nothing but a chickenshit pussy asshole who lives on the misery and suffering of others. And when it comes for you, you’ll be crying like a baby”.
3. Chuck Norris Blasts a Commie With a Rocket Launcher – Invasion U.S.A.:
Man, before 9/11, the world was a much more innocent place because everyone still believed that if terrorists launched a major attack on American soil, Chuck Norris could save the day single-handedly. Such was the case with Invasion U.S.A., a movie where Chuck Norris is so terrifying that there’s actually a scene where the villain wakes up in a cold sweat after having a nightmare about him! Since this is the 1980s, the Russians are still America’s enemy, so after a large group of Commies launch a major terrorist strike off the coast of Florida, Chuck climbs into his trusty old pick-up truck and starts driving around all over in order to wipe them out. He saves the very best for last since at the very end, he wipes out the main baddie by blowing him out the window of a high-rise building with a rocket launcher at point blank range! And in typical 1980s action movie fashion, the end credits start rolling IMMEDIATELY after the bad guy is dead! Chuck Norris eats epilogues for breakfast!
2. Chuck Norris Kicks Terrorist Ass – The Delta Force:
Once again, my “Robin’s Underrated Gems” column on the film makes an attempt to explain the particularly weird appeal of The Delta Force, but hopefully, these clips may be enough to help convince you. The movie’s climax involves a terrorist motorcade carrying hostages coming to a complete halt when they see Chuck Norris blocking the road on a motorcycle in the distance. The Lebanese terrorist leader, Abdul (played by Robert Foster – yes, Robert Forster!) is pissed and wonders why the hell they’re stopping just because of one man on a motorcycle. Um, that is most definitely a LOT more than just one man on a motorcycle! Anyway, after all the terrorists are killed and the hostages are rescued, Chuck tracks down Abdul to a nearby house and beats the ever-loving shit out of him to the tune of some Middle Eastern music in the background (though “America, Fuck Yeah!” from Team America probably would have been much more appropriate). Oh, and did I also mention that Chuck’s motorbike shoots rockets?! In a perfect world, problems would always be solved this easily:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ru17WAgGlis
1. Chuck Norris Drinks Beer and Drives a Truck Out of the Ground – Lone Wolf McQuade:
I’ve already posted this clip on The Back Row before, so there can really be no other contender for the greatest Chuck Norris moment of all time. It really says something when Lone Wolf McQuade climaxes with a martial arts dream match between Chuck Norris and David Carradine and it isn’t even the main highlight of the movie. By the description of this scene, you’d think it was intended as a parody, but I’m fairly convinced that it was done with complete sincerity. Chuck is beaten to a bloody pulp by Carradine and his henchmen, who decide to bury him alive underground while he’s still inside his trusty Dodge Ramcharger. However, they make one fatal mistake: they leave his beer inside the truck! And beer is to Chuck Norris what spinach is to Popeye. After one swig of booze, Chuck is rejuvenated enough to literally drive his truck back up through the ground and mow them down! What else can I say? Words just do not do this scene justice.
Honourable Mention:
Chuck Norris Steals a Motorbike – Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos:
While no one has ever accused Chuck Norris’ performances of being too animated, an animated cartoon version of the man did exist at one point and is worthy of an honourable mention here. Chuck Norris: Karate Kommados was a very short-lived animated series that consisted of only five episodes, but delivered plenty of memorable Chuck Norris moments. The highlight has to be when Chuck steals a motorbike from a pair of innocent bystanders, leading to this priceless exchange:
“Hey, that’s my bike!”
“Sorry, guys, this is an emergency! I’m Chuck Norris!”
Hmmm… so if I go out and steal someone’s bike and say: “Sorry, guys, this is an emergency! I’m Robin Warder!”, they probably won’t mind, right?